STONEHENGE FANTASY FOOTBALL LEAGUE

BREAKING: Stonehenge Fantasy Football League, 757’s Greatest Athlete Corey Pollard Agree to Terms on Blockbuster Return

MIDLOTHIAN, Va. — After a protracted negotiation that sources describe as “mostly conducted in a driveway, at dusk, with one guy holding a leaf blower,” the Stonehenge Fantasy Football League has re-signed 757’s Greatest Athlete, Corey Pollard, ending a standoff that had threatened to stretch into the preseason.

The full terms of the deal, per people familiar with the matter who were also standing right there:

• One (1) pair of overalls, from Chuck. Condition unspecified. Provenance unspecified. Chuck declined to comment on whether they have ever been washed, then said “define washed.”
• One (1) Turkish-made fez cap, from Patrick, who opened negotiations at “a hat” and was talked up considerably. Patrick has stressed that it is Turkish-made, unprompted, eleven times.
• One (1) piece of firewood, from Jeff. Not a cord. Not a bundle. A piece. Jeff described it as “seasoned,” which the Pollard camp is still reviewing.
• One (1) ride on Jeff’s neighbor’s parked John Deere. Jeff clarified that the tractor does not need to move for the ride to occur, and that the neighbor “doesn’t need to know, and won’t, if everybody’s normal about it.”

The sticking point, as always, was the marketing package. Commissioner Mehrer ultimately agreed to place Corey Pollard Law logos on the Midlothian High School football team uniforms — a concession sources called “unprecedented,” “generous,” and “almost certainly not his to give.”

“We looked at the numbers, and we looked at Corey’s last four seasons, and honestly the numbers were bad,” said one league official. “But he’s a needle-mover. He shows up. He brings a folding chair. He knows what a lien is. You can’t quantify that.”

Pollard, who spent much of the offseason listed as day-to-day with what the league office called “general reluctance,” acknowledged that rival leagues came in aggressive. One competing offer reportedly included a Caterpillar 305 mini excavator, which Pollard ultimately declined on diligence grounds.

“Nobody could produce a title,” Pollard said. “Nobody could produce a receipt. A guy named Dale said his cousin ‘won it,’ and I said won it how, and Dale changed the subject to boats. I’ve handled enough cases to know that when the chain of custody starts with a cousin, you walk.”

Instead, he came home.

“There’s a league in Chesterfield that was talking real money,” Pollard said. “But once Jeff put the firewood on the table, I knew he was serious. And once he added the tractor, I knew he was desperate. That’s when you close.”

Asked whether the package was competitive with what other returning managers received, Pollard was diplomatic: “I’d rather not comment on other guys’ deals. I will say I’m the only one leaving here with headwear.”

The overalls are expected to be delivered at the draft. The firewood will be held in escrow until October. The John Deere ride is non-transferable, expires at the end of the calendar year, and per the term sheet, “cannot be cashed out.”

As for expectations, the newly extended manager kept it modest.

“Look, I’ve built a career on getting people what they’re owed,” Pollard said. “This year, what I’m owed is a first-round running back who doesn’t tear something in Week 2. I’ve read the injury reports. I know the odds. I’m asking anyway.”

The league declined to release the fez’s estimated value, citing an ongoing appraisal. Patrick has stated the appraisal is “him, at his kitchen table, later.”