STONEHENGE FANTASY FOOTBALL LEAGUE

By 757’s Greatest Athlete, Stonehenge Fantasy Football League

MIDLOTHIAN, Va. — When a multibillion-dollar utility merger goes under state review, people start reading things. Filings. Rate schedules. Load projections.

And, if the last nine days are any indication, the Instagram account of a Dominion employee we’ll refer to here as A.S.

A.S.’s feed is not a personal account with some fitness content on it. It is a wall. Men doing incline dumbbell work in Boca Raton at 5 a.m. under overlays reading DOG WORK. Sled pulls through sand. Slow-motion pec deck, saved, sorted, reacted to. It is the public-facing presence of a man employed in the reliable delivery of electricity to 2.7 million homes.

There is an explanation. The explanation does not help.

His methodology is disclosed and on the record — stated aloud at the 2025 draft to eleven witnesses. He opens the app, finds his man, and counts. Four abs is a bench guy. Six is a starter. Eight and he’s reaching a full round early with the calm of a man holding information. Depth chart unconsulted. Contract status unconsulted. In one documented case, employment status unconsulted; he took a free agent in the fourth because the lighting was flattering.

So the whole thing is defensible. It’s research. It’s just that “I’m scouting running backs” requires a listener who already believes you play fantasy football, and A.S.’s feed contains no evidence of that whatsoever. No standings. No lineup screenshots. No mention of a league. Eleven months of shirtless men and one photo of a golf glove.

And here is the part that ruins everyone.

It worked. He won the thing.

A.S. is the defending champion of the Stonehenge Fantasy Football League. He took a title off a system with no inputs. Eleven of us read depth charts, tracked target share, monitored camp reports, and finished behind a man who counted abdominals on a phone in his kitchen. There is no way to describe that outcome that reflects well on anybody.

Which is why nobody in this league is trying to help him.

We raised the exposure. Public account, employer under review, eleven months of shirtless men, pinned post captioned NO DAYS OFF. A reasonable man archives a few things.

A.S. said no. He said the feed is his work product and he’s not “editing the tape because somebody might watch it.” He said if anyone at Dominion opens the account they’ll find a defending champion, and that’s a fine thing to find.

Then he pinned a second post. Weighted dips. Caption: EIGHT.

Nobody has told him to stop.

Patrick offered to write him a statement. Patrick blends tobacco and has no science background, and the statement opened with the phrase “the underlying fundamentals remain structurally sound,” at which point A.S. thanked him and used it.

JB, whose entire profession is discretion, was asked what a man in this position should do. He said, “Nothing. Post more.” Then he left the chat for two days. We don’t know if that was advice or a test.

Craig said it was a really good pick.

Dante — no team, never had a team, cannot be embarrassed in Week 4 because he does not play in Week 4 — called the situation “interesting.” That one landed. A.S. did not respond for eleven minutes.

So he did what a champion does. He posted a lat spread from 2019 with the caption STILL HERE, turned off comments, and went to bed.

Where things stand. Review ongoing. Draft on. The account is up, and getting worse.

Zach J, first year, did not sleep last night. Four hundred and six texts, none of which concerned football. At 1 a.m. he asked whether it’s like this every week and got nine replies, none of them an answer. At 1:20 he asked if there was a way to mute just Patrick. At 2:40 he asked, unprompted, whether the dues were refundable.

Nobody has responded to that one yet. We’re letting it sit.